Persona 4: The Abridged Version
by Mr. Thumbsup
Summary: For people with short attention spans. Persona 4, condensed into 1585 words. T rated, crackfic. Not recommended for people without a sense of humor.


**_Disclaimer: I do not own Persona 4, or anything I may reference in this crackfic_**

**Oh, you guys are gonna hate me for this. This is written as a work of parody, no offense is meant toward Persona.**

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Opening Arc

Our Hero arrives in Inaba for a very implausible reason. Nanako's sheer presence launches a thousand incest fanfics.

The family stops at a gas station. Foreshadowing takes place at such an early point that you forget about it within a few seconds.

Dojima turns out to be neglectful, due to him grieving for his dead wife for eight years straight. Nanako sings an annoying commercial jingle.

Souji's teacher has fairly good teeth, and is probably a forty-year-old virgin. Chie and Yukiko definitely have no yuri undertones. A boy with fish-lips asks Yukiko out. A background character with two in-game lines is crucified upside-down. Writer joygasms. Dojima introduces adachi, who is definitely not Matsuda from _Death Note._

Souji meets Saki, a minor character who appears in two scenes. That night, he references _Poltergeist._

The next day, Souji and company take a magical journey to what appears to be Potland, judging by the smoke. Yosuke makes weak attempts at toilet humor. Teddie is introduced. He's the cute mascot, if you haven't figured it out yet.

The Principal's Kendo Robe informs the school that saki was killed. Yosuke grieves for about five seconds before suggesting they travel back to Potland. Teddie removes his head without unzipping the zipper that holds it on, making perfect sense.

Souji does an awakening sequence that is a little less impressive than the one from _Persona 3._ Yosuke meets his Shadow, who is loud and obnoxious. The easiest boss fight in history ensues. Yosuke gets his Persona, Elvis.

Yukiko Arc

Yukiko is kidnapped, then isn't, then is. Chie rallies Souji and Yosuke to go save her. After returning to Potland, Teddie takes them to a castle, which everyone calls an inn. If that's an inn, then I'm Yoshiro Mori.

Chie meets her Shadow, who is a dominatrix. Bondage fans joygasm. Yosuke tells her not to say it, she does anyway. Moderately easy boss fight ensues. Chie gets her Persona, Bruce Lee.

The team and Yukiko meet Yukiko's Shadow, a spoiled Princess. Shadow Yukiko claims that Chie is her prince, is immediately taken out of context. Yosuke begs Yukiko not to say it, she does anyway. Rather hard boss fight ensues. Yukiko gets her Persona, Flamingo.

Kanji Arc

Kanji is a biker, then isn't. Group stalks Kanji. Kanji meets Naoto, who has a feminine face, a feminine voice, faint boob outlines, and is voiced by a female voice actor, but is definintely not a girl.

Souji and Yukiko bond. Chie and Yosuke find behind a tree in an awkward position. Kanji goes mad and attempts to kill them for public lewdness.

Kanji is kidnapped to Potland. Teddie can't find him, then can the next day. The game does everything to show that Kanji's gay except light a neon sign. Oh wait, they do that too.

Kanji enforces the gay sterotype in a steamy bathhouse. Writer disturbed. Yukiko doesn't laugh.

Kanji meets his Shadow, a Prison Rapist. Chie tells him not to say it, he does anyway. Challenging boss fight ensues. Kanji receives his Persona, Gundam. Kanji tells Souji he'll join the group. Writer gets _The Ambigously Gay Duo _stuck in his head for some reason.

School Camp

School spends day picking up trash in mountains. Chie and Yukiko fail at cooking curry. Should have made au Gratin Potatoes. Fat girl is fat.

Yosuke sleeps on a rock. Kanji wants a Penguin. Morooka gets sloshed. Kanji falls asleep in girls tent for some reason. Morroka pukes.

Everyone puts on swimsuits and heads to river. Chie and Yukiko throw you in for no reason, along with Yosuke. Kanji gets thrown in for being gay. Morooka pukes.

Rise Arc

Japanese Hannah Montana moves to Inaba. Paparazzi attempt to film and release sex tape, no success. People see Rise in Tofu outfit, which apparently makes her look like an old lady. Seems like a nice enough girl.

Rise gets kidnapped (what a shock). Once again, Teddie can't find her for a day.

Rise meets her shadow, a slut. Yosuke gets ideas. Fanboys masturbate furiously. Yukiko tells her not to say it, she does anyway. Shadow turns into technicolor stripper. Surprisingly easy boss battle ensues. Teddie becomes Badass for two minutes. Rise receives her Persona, Technicolor-Stripper-in-Priestess-Robes.

Teddie's Shadow appears, giving writer and every sane gamer nightmares. Strangely easy boss battle ensues. Teddie gets his Persona, Teddie with a missile up his ass. Rise, inspired by her Shadow, becomes a slut for Souji. So Yeah.

Teddie turns into a strangely pretty Bishonen. Fangirls shit bricks.

Mitsuo Arc

Morooka gets killed, much rejoicing. Replacement appears to be bastard daughter of Yukari from _Azumanga Daioh, _and Mizuho Kamizani from _Please Teacher._

Fish-lips appears in Potland, taunts viewers. Pissed party enters 18-bit video game. Writer feels nostalgic, enjoys level.

Fish-lips meets his Shadow, exactly like him in every way. Wait, what? No one tells him to not say it, he does anyway. Hard boss fight ensues. Party celebrates case well-solved, writer facepalms.

Also 'round this time, Nanako tells Souji, her cousin, whom she's bonded with, that she loves him. Is immediately taken out of context.

School Trip

Fantastic excuse to visit _Persona 3 _Island. Cameo by Chihiro, Gekkoukan High, and the P3 sondtrack. Writer feels nostalgia again, but wishes for more P4 characters.

Group runs into Naoto, who is most definitely a guy, at nightclub. Sly reference to Hermit Boss in P3. Rise and Yukiko get drunk, look stupid in front of Naoto, play game. Wrong choice spawns a thousand Souji x Yosuke fanfics. Game also launches Kanji x Teddie. Writer feels sick.

Naoto Arc

Naoto, the guy with the cute hat, uses HIMself as bait for killer. Idiot.

Group follows him into Soviet Base. Writer has sneaking suspicion that Naoto is a commie.

Naoto meets his Shadow, a floppy-sleeved version of himself. Reveals shocking revelation that Naoto is a girl. Writer shocked. Absolutely NO ONE saw that twist coming. Yosuke tells HER not to say, Kanji finally takes hint and stops Yosuke. Oddly enough, Naoto doesn't say it. Easy boss battle ensues. Naoto gets her Persona, Jimminy Cricket.

Naoto S. Link unlocked. Writer embraces pairing.

Culture Fest

Yosuke signs girls up for Beauty Pageant. Girls sign him up for Crossdressing Pageant, roping Souji in as well. Writer confused at logic.

Teddie has too much fun dressed as a girl. Admiral Ackbar screams It's A Twap. Teddie suggests swimsuit division for Beauty Pageant. Rise finally gets ligitimite excuse to dress like a slut. Old teacher is old. Fat girl is fat.

Gang stays night at Fanservice Hot Springs. Teddie attempts to have sex with old teacher, Kanji with fat girl. Writer fashions noose.

Nanako Arc

Dojima decides Souji is committing murders, locks him up. Old background character from the opening sequence kidnaps Nanako to Potland. Writer filled with righteous fury. Group tracks Namatame to strangely pretty section of Potland. Pardon redundancy. Hard boss fight ensues.

Nanako diseased by Potland, taken to hospital. Passes away in front of Souji. Writer genuinely shocked. Cannot bear to write humor of situation.

Obscure choices offered, not one of which informs you what will happen if chosen. Writer needs Gamefaqs badly. Nanako revives. Mass cheering.

Adachi Arc

Inaba starts to fill with fog. Newly motivated group searches for clues for killers identity. Answer comes in flash of shock: it's Matsuda.

Runs into TV, Namatame probably dead. Adachi talks about bitches and whores, setting off 4chan Phenomenon.

Group trains, fights Adachi. Easy enough to piss off writer. Murderer turns into pincushion, very hard boss fight ensues. Cliched victory scene.

Final Arc

Nanako leaves hospital, asks Souji to marry her. Fanfic writers go to work.

Developers realize that skipping over three months was bad idea, decide to shoehorn in extra content. Group decides that they aren't satisfied enough, go searching for plot. Gas Attendant swaps genders, reminds gamers of foreshadowing at beginning. Mass facepalm.

Back to Potland, where the Cannabis smoke is most potent: a whole world floating on clouds. Funny, that. Two difficult back-to-back boss fights ensue.

Awesome ending sequence. Credits roll. Writer restarts game, realizes that level was not carried over. Pissed.

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**Again, this is intended as a work of parody.**


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